the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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