apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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