Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
