I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
