It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Randomize
