How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
