He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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