Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
