Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
