i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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