I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We had to coat check the pizza.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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