last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
