I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
