omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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