when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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