she looked like the bat from fern gully.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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