I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
