You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
