Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
