just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
another moral hangover. fuck.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
