The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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