I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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