I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
