I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
