My Higher Power is John Stamos
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
