So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
