Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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