i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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