I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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