dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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