How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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