I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
