he told me I talked like a deaf person
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Let's paint friendship bongs
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
