The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
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I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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