Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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