You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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