It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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