need another drink. this is the easiest way
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
