she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
