I'm really into asian looking animals
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I can't turn off my feet"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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