I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
