MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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