I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
