Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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