I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the condom got lost in my hair
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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