Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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