Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
