she sounds like chewbacca in bed
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
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I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
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On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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