No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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