Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
