I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
