omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
