if i can run in heels then i can drive
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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