I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
