I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
