I faked an abortion last night.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
