I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
