Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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