Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
