I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
