my phone needs a breathalizer
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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