insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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